A paradigm shift

Over the last few weeks I have been having a deep. contemplative look at my life.  I have been reassessing everything.  Surprisingly, it didn’t take me too long to arrive at most of the conclusions.  Perhaps because the lessons had already been planted there.  It just needed a shock to the system to force them to be implemented.  Sadly, I might have lost something incredible in the process, but I will live the rest of my life making it worthwhile.

And so far it has been amazing.  I always thought that climbing had taught me how to live in the now.  It had, in small part.  It taught me to focus on what I was doing, it brought me so much happiness.  But something just wasn’t translating to the rest of my life.  Those moments in the Now were fleeting and only when I needed them the most, through the crux.  For the rest of my life I was never really present.  I was restless.  I was always living for the next thing, even when I was doing things I really wanted to be doing.  This has robbed me of experiencing my life. I was living the “when this happens then I will be happy” equation.

Happiness is fleeting.  And we keep moving the goal posts.  So we never arrive, we never attain that happiness.  True joy is living this moment right now, no matter what is happening in it.  I am finally experiencing my life.  What have I been doing all these years up to now?  I have been living my life as if I was watching it as a movie, detached and uninvolved.  Everything was one big distraction from everything else.  I wouldn’t invest in anything or anyone who wasn’t connected to my future.  But now, there is so much joy, so much value in investing in every moment with every person I meet, it doesn’t matter if I never see them again.  I find myself thrilled to add to someone’s day in any way I can, instead of feeling like it is too much energy somehow.  It probably sounds like I was cold and uncaring before.  I don’t believe I was, but I was certainly limited.  I had a happy life before but there was unfulfilment and restlessness.  Now there is joy, now there is direction.  Now my eyes are wide open.

I could rant about this till the cows come home,  And maybe I am slow on the uptake and so many of you have known this concept all along.  I understood it as one would understand a maths formula,  But only now is it internalised.  Perhaps most of you were lucky to be taught this from a young age.  It has been a long and twisted path for me,  But at least I have arrived.  At least I can live the rest of my life.

By illonapelser

Finding joy

It’s been an unusual week.  Often in times of adversity we discover the raw beauty around us.  This week, when I thought I would be in the deepest agony, I have found more moments of joy than I have seen for a long time.  Perhaps it is because the moments were pure, they were now.  They were not clouded by the past or my desires for a future that may never be.  They were not cloaked in impatience or confusion or needing to be shared.  They were simple and true and loving.  I have been astounded by the hearts of my friends, by the simple joys of children, by the fun, unscripted moments with passing strangers.

There is much joy in my life.  And it only needs me to live them.

By illonapelser

Run for your life

When I first met him he told me that for 2 years he had run through his pain.

Today I finally understood the value of that sentence.

The problem is, once you start running you don’t want to stop.  You want to break free of the hounds at your heels, the ones that tear a hole through the pit of your stomach every morning when you wake up and he’s not there. You think that if you just push hard enough you can scream away from the questions.  The ones that chase each other around your head at all hours of the morning and which will never find answers.

And you know that when you stop running you’ll have to face reality again.

So I guess I’ll just keep running.

By illonapelser