Don’t look at me

I wanted to fail. I wanted to be detached from the image of me that everyone associated with achieving, with always being on the go. It was the only version of me I had known how to be for 3 decades. But now I wanted a break. I wanted to not feel that expectation from others. I am not that person anymore.
I struggled to climb or even hang out with people who were outcomes based. People whose whole identity seemed to be tied up in their next send. I wanted it to be completely fine for me to fail. I don’t consider it failing. I simply wasn’t reaching for a tangible goal. The only goal now was happiness, contentment at being where I was at, wherever that was, with whoever I was sharing the day and the experiences with. If I didn’t send, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to feel like anyone else did. But somehow so many people see it as wrong. As if you are disappointing them somehow, even though it’s not their goal, it’s not their climbing career.
I put on weight on purpose, a physical barrier to push the world away. To make it okay to finally not push so damn hard all the time. To be fine with just being. I enjoyed being me even more. I feel like I’ve always been comfortable in my skin but I sunk even deeper into the soles of my feet. Compliments and criticisms phase me even less than they have before. I’m enjoying getting older. I’ve earned it.
But it still perplexes me that other people don’t seem to want to let me be. I went to Rock Masters with almost the intention to fail. I was exhausted, overweight and unfit. I had no hope. And I didn’t mind it. I did the best I could and that’s a result I can live with. But others gave me the “better luck next time” or the sympathetic look. Why the sympathy? I don’t feel sad. I feel relieved. Why does it worry other people more than it worries me?
These days I enjoy individual moments far more. There is a greater level of general satisfaction and contentment. There is not one iota of desire to be connected to what I can achieve, and even less over what I have not yet achieved. I am merely here, in this moment. Don’t give me that look. Rejoice with me in every moment that I delight in my world.

By illonapelser

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